From the sidelines
by Aleia15
Summary: She can feel him slipping away from her, she doesn't want him to, but she can't see a way to stop it. In the end, everyone leaves Hinamori behind. HitsugayaMatsumoto, one sided HitsugayaHinamori


**From ****the Sidelines**

She can feel him slipping away from her.

She doesn't want him to, but she can't see a way to stop it; in the end everyone leaves Hinamori behind.

She has no one but herself to blame, this she knows. There was a time when she was the most precious person in the world for him, a time when she was her oldest and most beloved friend and he would smile only for her; and even this was a rare occurrence. She's not sure if she prefers it that way.

Everything was easy before; she had a Taichou who cared for her and respected her and whom she adored, she had good friends from the academy who trusted her and made her laugh, and she had Shiro-chan, her cute little friend who loved and protected her. Now everything is confusing and painful; there is only a gaping whole where her Taichou used to be, both in the Gotei13 and in her heart, her friends have lost the ability to trust even her--especially her--, and Shiro-chan is no more. His place is now occupied by Hitsugaya-taichou. Hitsugaya-taichou who still protects her, but can't smile just for her anymore.

At first Hinamori thought he had lost the ability to smile, that the war and everything that happened had changed and hardened him even more. But that's not the truth.

Hinamori has seen him smile. She has seen expressions on his face she could have sworn were impossible for him to make. And all of them are directed now to someone else.

The indulgent smile he shows when Matsumoto's antics amuse him in spite of himself. The tired smile he has when works piles up and Matsumoto brings him tea so he can continue working. The shy smile and blush that covers his face every time Matsumoto hugs him, suffocating him with her large breasts. The loving smile that he only has when Matsumoto is around but can't see him.

All of this Hinamori has seen from the sidelines, from the darkness. She wishes she had a place in the light.

Hinamori wishes for lots of things. She wishes her Taichou was still there, still gentle, still caring. She wishes Kira was still Ichimaru's fukutaichou and shadow, always smiling that shy little smile of his. She wishes Renji was still carefree, joking and trying to get them into trouble. She wishes Matsumoto never got over Ichimaru and learnt how to smile again. But mostly she wishes Shiro-chan never grew up and attained his status a Taichou, meeting Matsumoto.

She knows this is unfair for Matsumoto, and Hinamori sometimes feels bad for thinking like that. She used to like her; it's difficult not to when she is strong, and funny, and nice, and beautiful. And those are the reasons she can't like her anymore--

"Hinamori!" Hitsugaya's voice takes her back to the present, and Hinamori realizes she has been ignoring everyone around her while she was lost in her thoughts, "Are you all right, Hinamori?"

She can hear the concern in his voice, but it's not the same. "Yes, I'm sorry Hitsugaya-kun, I was distracted."

There is no gentle scolding for not using his proper title, no small smile on his lips while he reminds her she has to address him with his due respect; now there is only that worry in his eyes, and his attention feels more like pity or obligation.

"Taichou!" Matsumoto calls him, drawing his attention away from her, and Hinamori feels resentful for that. "Kurosaki-kun and Orihime-chan want to know--"

Hinamori stops paying attention the moment Hitsugaya's eyes turn to his fukutaichou, and she can observe them again.

Their interactions tell her more than mere words: the way Matsumoto's eyes follow Hitsugaya's every move, the way their hands brush from time to time, the way she slows down her long stride so they can walk side by side, the way his frown relaxes when he's listening to her. In their own particular way they are proclaiming their relationship to the world, if only the world could read the signs.

Hinamori can read them, and she slows down even more, walking behind them immersed in her own world.

It's not until they disappear around a corner that Hinamori allows one single tear to fall.

She was wrong; he's not slipping away from her.

He's already gone.

Fin


End file.
